When coaches hurt clients (and What We Learn From It)

I had a coaching conversation recently that I left feeling "ick" about. Something in me knew I hadn't served my client well. This was an amazing person with so many clear strengths, and they were in pain because of really difficult situation.

I focused on the person's qualities and the choices before them, and after I hung up the call, I thought, "Shoot. I totally missed it. This person needed me to just stay with them in the pain a little longer. They don't need fixing or changing or even empowering - what they're going through is just hard!"

Coaching conversations are powerful tools for personal and professional growth, and sometimes they can also inadvertently cause harm if not handled with care. We want to do our clients a lot of good, and see them moving forward with new insights and actions. Sometimes in our zeal, we can subtly and unintentionally harm them by getting ahead of them.

These moments are part of the work. They call us back to presence, reflection, and compassion, the real foundation of mastery.

1. Subtle Blaming: When Empowerment Overreaches

One of the most common coaching mistakes happens when we focus too much on responsibility too soon.

As a coach, I envision my clients strong, at choice, and able to make changes in their lives. I help them discover their own agency and responsibility. I could go so far as to say that the foundation of coaching is to increase choice. 

However,when we lean too hard into empowerment, we can slip into subtle blaming. For example, consider a client who was verbally abused by their boss. A coach might ask, with all the best empowering intentions, "What can you do to better handle your boss's anger?" But, this question could leave the client feeling helpless and at fault, rather than FIRST being seen and heard in a difficult situation. A better question, that stays with the client in the moment might be, 

"With all that you've just experienced with your boss, what's arising inside of you?"

That kind of question honors the person’s humanity before their agency. It slows the moment down. It allows safety and compassion to enter the room, the very conditions that make transformation possible.

2. Root Cause Overload: When Insight Turns Into Overanalysis

Some coaches are attached to the idea of getting to the "root cause", believing this will create depth.But more often, it leads to problem-based thinking, a focus on the past and stories that reinforce stuckness.

For instance, a client might say “I’m disappointed with how my presentation went.” Some coaches, in their eagerness to find the root cause, might ask, "What went wrong? What role did you play? What led to the flop? Why do you think that happened?" 

Oops!! This could lead to digging into all kinds of stories that lead nowhere, creating self-judgment rather than awareness.

I recommend avoiding root-cause types of questions in favor of simple, imaginative, what-if questions that elicit new ways of thinking or being. For example, 

“I hear how disappointed you feel. When you imagine yourself doing awesome next time, what’s different for you?”

This shift moves the conversation toward possibility and self-trust, not self-blame.

3. Status Quo Stuckness: When Empathy Becomes Identification

Another subtle pitfall happens when empathy turns into merging, and the coach gets stuck right alongside their clients.

A client might tell a story about not feeling good enough around their boss. The coach empathizes deeply and can imagine feeling the same way - maybe even offering a "normalizing" label like "imposter syndrome" instead of just letting the experience be what it was. And then they both get stuck. Naming or labeling the experience too quickly can unintentionally reinforce it.

Instead, if you notice yourself entering the “stuckness vortex,” invite perspective.

“If you were watching a movie about someone not feeling good enough around their boss, how might you cheer them on?”

This gentle distance invites clarity, imagination, and lightness back into the space — without minimizing the client’s experience.

These subtle shifts, from analysis to awareness, from performance to presence, are what distinguish professional-level coaching. For a glimpse of what mastery looks like, explore What Makes MCC-Level Coaching Unique.

Reflective Practice: Learning Through Awareness

In coaching, there are moments when we notice afterward that something more was possible, a deeper pause, a gentler question, listening at a different level. Rather than judging ourselves, we can meet those moments with curiosity.

This is the coaching mindset in action: a willingness to reflect, learn, and return to presence. Every interaction becomes part of our growth, reminding us that awareness itself is the path to mastery.

That’s what we teach from the very first day of our Coach Certification Course, that coaching isn’t about getting it right, it’s about staying awake to what’s unfolding within us and between us.

For experienced coaches, this kind of reflection deepens through mentor coaching and supervision, where gentle exploration becomes the soil for growth and transformation.

Supporting Coaches in Reflection and Renewal

At Awaken Coach Institute, we hold these reflective spaces with love and rigor. Our Mentor Coaching Membership Package offers a structured path for coaches pursuing ICF renewal or credential upgrades to refine their skills in community.

Through group and individual mentor coaching, supervision, and peer practice, coaches learn to spot these subtle moments of disconnection, explore them safely, and grow in awareness, without judgment or shame.

You might also enjoy our Awaken Voices podcast, where we explore real coaching stories and conversations about presence, growth, and mastery.

A Final Word

Coaching is a nuanced art, and a highly respectful, responsive way of being with people. By avoiding victim-blaming, not overcomplicating issues, and steering clear of limiting labels, we coaches can better support our clients in becoming more authentic and leaning into their innate qualities. Coaching is not about never making mistakes. It’s about learning to meet imperfection with love.

When we hold space for our own humanity, we expand our capacity to hold space for others. And that is where true transformation begins.

About the Author

Christi Byerly, MCC, is the founder and CEO of Awaken Coach Institute. Her coaching process motivates you to build a community of empathy and grace around you, and to live your mission as part of something bigger than you are. With over 15 years of coaching experience, Christi has trained hundreds of new coaches and maintains a thriving practice focused on depth, presence, and authentic transformation.

Frequently Asked Questions

What should I do if I realize I’ve missed the mark with a client?
Begin with curiosity rather than self-criticism. Notice what felt off, pause, and reflect on what the moment might be showing you about your own patterns or presence. If repair is needed, approach it with honesty and humility. Bringing the experience to supervision can help you unpack what happened safely and learn from it with compassion.

How can supervision help me become a better coach?
Supervision is a reflective, confidential space to explore what gets stirred in you as you coach, emotionally, relationally, or spiritually. It helps you recognize patterns, biases, and strengths, and offers fresh perspectives on your clients and yourself. Over time, supervision becomes a mirror for your ongoing evolution as a coach and human being.

What’s the difference between mentor coaching and supervision?
Mentor coaching refines your observable ICF Core Competency skills, what you do in sessions. Supervision focuses on your inner landscape, who you’re being while you coach. It helps you notice transference, emotional triggers, and the subtle dynamics between coach and client. At Awaken, we offer both because true mastery grows from skill and self-awareness together.

When should I begin supervision?
It’s never too early. Many coaches begin once they’ve completed their foundational training or started working with clients. Ongoing supervision throughout your career supports ethical practice, emotional resilience, and the deep presence that makes coaching transformational.