The Radical Act of Loving Yourself

I quietly went off to Kenya last month to hole up and write my memoir. With glorious views of coconut palms from my dear friend Joan LeTeipa's house on the Indian Ocean, a project I expected to take more than six months of hibernation poured out of me in just a few weeks. What a wild ride! I guess it was time. You can already expect to read it next spring. 

The memoir is a book about Love, but especially all the things I didn't know about Love, which made my life so much more difficult.

Here's a tiny excerpt: 

"In a parenthetical remark on the workbook’s first page, Mellody makes a comment that shakes me to the core: “Being functional (acting in your own best interest) feels, awful, shameful, as if you are doing something wrong. But…”

I stop, stunned. Wait, did she just say that being a functional adult means acting in your own best interest? And she puts it in parentheses as if everyone already knows that’s what being functional means?

I read the sentence several times to make sure I’ve understood. This does feel awful, shameful, and wrong. My head knows somehow that she’s right, but my whole body screams that I’m supposed to be serving others! Isn’t that what being a functional adult is about? Functional adults look out for the needy in faraway lands and ensure that their spouses and kids do the same.

Acting in your own best interest sounds like greed, selfishness, and capitalism. It sounds like the dreaded “looking out for number one” that I’ve been taught to despise. I kick myself for taking so long to wake up. How many abuses have I suffered because of my own lack of ability to stand up for myself? I live out of a helplessness learned in childhood long after I’m a fully-formed adult. How many times do I rush to ensure people can easily, smoothly take advantage of me financially, physically, sexually? How many times am I quick to reject and abandon myself, giving away far more than is healthy in friendship and in business?"

It's strangely boring and drama-free to love myself. And also wildly exciting at the same time. It feels deeply alive, and yet there's none of the striving, pushing, forcing, coercing, manipulating, or toppling over that comes from looking for love from outside. There's no spectacle. 

As coaches, parents, leaders, and people in relationships, one of our most powerful acts is to take full responsibility for the one body, mind, and soul that we've been allotted for this lifetime.

This body needs water, sunlight, nourishment, sleep, movement, connection, and emotional support - so I take that sacred task seriously. I'm firm in speaking up about its wants and needs. I love it fiercely and tenderly, like a good parent.

Loving this one body that's entrusted to me is the opposite of selfish. It's being self-directed enough so that true connection and care are naturally created with others. It's how so many good things are created, including the beautiful community at Awaken.

If you're ever tempted to love someone else a little more than you love yourself, that's OK. Just notice what happens. I can almost guarantee it's not going to be as pleasant as you think. If you are afraid to really, deeply cherish yourself, that's OK. Just try it for a few breaths. It might start feeling safer until it starts feeling solid and wonderful. 

I'd love to hear what you discover!  

If this resonates

You might also enjoy my story, My Personal Story of Becoming a Love Rebel. It’s the tale of the first time I understood grace, self-trust, and fierce self-love, long before I knew they would shape my coaching and my life.

A Gentle Invitation From My Heart to Yours

If loving yourself feels like unfamiliar territory, Spain is one of the safest places I know to begin.

Every year at our Spain Coaching Retreat, I watch people soften toward themselves in real time. Something about the silence, the labyrinth walks, the presence of community, and the slowing down makes it easier to hear your own soul again. People arrive tired or unsure, and leave standing a little taller, loving themselves a little more fiercely.

If you are longing for a space where your own healing, clarity, and courage can rise to the surface, I would love to welcome you to Spain for our coach training retreat, where transformation happens at the soul level.

Explore the Spain Coaching Retreat here

About the Author

Christi Byerly, MCC, is the founder and CEO of Awaken Coach Institute. Her coaching process motivates you to build a community of empathy and grace around you, and to live your mission as part of something bigger than you are. With over 15 years of coaching experience, Christi has trained hundreds of new coaches and maintains a thriving practice focused on depth, presence, and authentic transformation.

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Why is loving yourself so central to being a great coach?

Because coaching is an act of presence. You cannot bring compassion, clarity, or courage to someone else if you deny those things to yourself. When coaches learn to honor their needs, boundaries, and inherent worth, they hold space with more steadiness and humility. Self-love deepens coaching presence.

2. Is self-love selfish?

Not at all. Loving yourself is what makes genuine connection possible. When you abandon yourself, you overgive, overwork, or look for validation. When you care for yourself, you relate to others from generosity instead of depletion. Self-love is the opposite of selfish; it is the foundation of healthy leadership and relationships.

3. How does self-love affect leadership?

Leaders rooted in self-awareness and self-compassion create trust, navigate conflict with clarity, and stop leading from fear. Self-love creates grounded, courageous leadership.

4. How does this connect with coach training at Awaken?

Our programs are built on presence, authenticity, and honoring your own humanity. These aren’t side lessons. They are the heart of transformational coaching. As you learn to coach others, you inevitably learn to love yourself more deeply. Find out more about transformational coaching here.  

5. What is one simple way to begin practicing the “radical act of loving myself”?

Ask your body: “What do you need right now?” Begin there. Small acts of care create profound transformation over time.