Real Connection Prefers All of You

Sometimes I feel a persistent ache of loneliness, even while I’m surrounded by people who genuinely care about me.

It’s a strange, unsettling feeling. Even on a week where friends have invited me out, I’ve had deep and rich conversations every day, and family expresses their love, some part of me deep inside remains untouched by their affection.

It can feel shameful to admit, so then I compare myself to people who have it worse. Those who are more isolated and alone than I am. Who live in capitalistic worlds where conversations stay shallow and transactional. I know many people who wish for one weekend a year to really talk and go deep with their friends.

So how come love, even when it’s abundant, doesn’t feel like it’s completely reached me? Even though I know love is there?

I think it happens when I bring just enough of myself into my relationships to keep the connection alive, but I’m holding back whatever I worry might cause a rupture or disconnect. I hide whatever I think could get me banished.

I can hide the dumbest little things. The fact that I like to eat a whole package of seaweed snacks on my couch while vegging all evening over Netflix. Or that I feel like finishing the NYT and LinkedIn games instead of joining the family for dinner. Or that I found an off-color joke intensely amusing, even though I shouldn’t. Or that I have no idea what the latest clothing styles have been for the past 30 years. (As for hair, I just keep hoping that the middle-part thing will go away, and the side-part thing will be back.)

It’s hard to remember that being liked or approved of, or at least not being seen as exceptionally annoying, isn’t the same as being known.

A lot of people like and approve of me because I’m a reliable friend, a strong partner, and a compassionate listener.

Being known is different. It means another person meets what is actually there. My uncertainty, my grief, my anger, my fatigue (so much of that since Covid), and my silly, playful side.

In the religious community I was raised in, everyone was allowed free entrance into a certain kind of nearly-honest but still profoundly fake vulnerability. We were supposed to see ourselves as sinners, to confess our faults, and to let others pray for us. But it was an awkward tension with also being a good witness for the faith, being a model of virtue for others, and serving others from the strength found only outside ourselves.

I see something similar in the coaching world. People think as a coach they have to present a polished, "fully transformed" image. That “you can only take a client as far as you’ve gone yourself.”

But, in the words of a favorite poem, ‘Salt and Sugar’ by Nikita Gill:

I am asking you not to abandon 

the parts of yourself that are in need of more love.

I am asking you to hold the parts of you 

that shatter, that scare you, close.

Being known isn’t about performance, even that extra 1% shine I like to add to my already good-enough appearance. That extra glow from my tinted moisturizer. Somehow, that extra shine is nothing more than a continuous reduction of who I really am, and it keeps me from true belonging.

This is why, at Awaken, we do not ask you to leave any part of yourself at the door. The salt and sugar that is you is all welcome.

Your transformational journey, and your ability to truly meet another human being in coaching or in life, prefers for you to fully arrive. All of you.

In most situations, that might not be smart. As Brené Brown would put it, “Who has earned the right to hear your whole story?” Some people haven’t earned the right to meet all of you yet. They arrive with judgment, subtle or not-so-subtle condemnation, and unasked for opinions about your private thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Taking all the armor off isn’t wisdom with such people - even if they’re leaders in your religious or family communities.

But when you’re met and known by others who are willing to face up to their humanity, too, joy is waiting.

Who can you trust with a little more of yourself? True depth in relationship doesn't come from pretending you have it all together. It comes from having the courage to integrate the whole picture, bringing your full, messy, glorious humanity into the light.

It’s not about dramatic, explosive confessions. It usually begins in small increments:

• Admitting to a friend that you’re actually struggling, rather than giving the "accurate enough" answer that keeps you safe. Then waiting to see how they respond. If it’s curiosity, openness, compassion - then keep going. If it’s indifference or judgment, that’s useful information.
• Admitting that a comment hurt.
• Admitting that you could use a little company.
• Admitting that you don’t feel like company right now.
• Asking for help instead of defaulting to being the strong one. (Ouch, that’s a hard one for me.)

When you risk bringing more of your true self to the table, you give the people in your life the opportunity to actually meet you, rather than the mask you’ve been wearing.

Some people may need time to adjust to the unedited you. There’s no need to rush, or to divulge more than they can handle. Others will surprise you with their capacity to stay present and love you deeper. Either way, you free yourself from the exhaustion of hiding. You discover that Love doesn't need you to be perfect or compartmentalized to hold you. Love holds all of you, exactly as you are.

Where in your life are you only partially allowing Love to reach you? What would it take to bring just 5% more of your real self into the room today?

About the Author

Christi Byerly, MCC, is the founder and CEO of Awaken Coach Institute. Her coaching process motivates you to build a community of empathy and grace around you, and to live your mission as part of something bigger than you are. With over 15 years of coaching experience, Christi has trained hundreds of new coaches and maintains a thriving practice focused on depth, presence, and authentic transformation.

FAQs

What is the difference between being liked and being known? Being liked means people approve of the parts of you that you choose to show. Being known means another person meets all of you, including your uncertainty, grief, fatigue and playful side, and loves what they find. Real belonging grows from being known.

How do you build more authentic relationships? Authentic relationships grow in small, brave steps. Share a little more of what is true for you with someone you trust, such as admitting a struggle or asking for help, and notice how they respond. Curiosity and compassion are an invitation to keep going.

Do coaches need to be fully transformed before they coach others? At Awaken, coaches and clients grow together. A coach who brings their whole humanity into the room, with presence and self-acceptance, gives clients permission to arrive fully as well. Our spiritual coach certification welcomes every part of who you are.

Who has earned the right to hear your whole story? People who meet your honesty with curiosity, openness and compassion have earned a deeper place in your story. Trust grows step by step, and you can share more as each person shows they can hold what you bring.